Tiger vs. Tank - Part I

The Big Game. Friday morning. If I thought it was going to be ridiculous, nothing could have prepared me for how it actually went.

6 a.m.
Team wake-up call. Mind you, the match is at 10 a.m.

6:30 a.m.
The minivan comes to pick us up. I'm the last one to get picked up. Everyone's bubbling with energy that's simply too obnoxious for this time in the morning. Genghis Tiger Raju looks a bit sour as I get in, but he can just sulk in the corner, the fat fuck. Everyone starts banging on the van seats chanting - yup, you guessed it - KILL 'EM ALL! KILL 'EM ALL! Sigh. It's grey, foggy and miserable outside. And inside.

6:45a.m.
Team breakfast. Since we're about to engage in a pretty physical sport, everyone decides it would be a great idea to have oily parathas and dim bhaji. Of course I join in because it looks like a bloody good meal. Naturally, drink two cups of cha and top it off with a nice cigarette.

7 a.m.
Arrive at the field. Attempt to do laps. We suck at doing this, so sit around and pretend like there's something to talk about. Whereas the only thing that's on anyone's mind is "it's still three hours until this thing starts."

7:15 a.m.
Jamal Bhai gives a motivational captain's speech. Bless him, he actually wrote this down. He talked about how tigers are "ferocious and noble creatures with ultimate killer instinct, just like all the employees of our company." I sit at a bloody cubicle and come up with proposals all day, my dear Jamal Bhai. My killer instinct only gets aroused when you start laughing at the top of your lungs watching stupidvideos.

Do I even need to mention that everyone eats it up and cue chanting etc etc.

8 a.m.
Half of us try and take a nap on the grass.

8:05 a.m.
We notice the weather's still grey and miserable. Too cold for napping.

8:05 - 8:59 a.m.
Smoke cigarettes. Raju the Tiger Man makes a comment about a real sportsman not smoking and I shrug. Anyway how is this real sports? It's CORPORATE FOOTBALL. In any case, I'm just a sub.

9 a.m.
Some of our other colleauges show up. Dressed warm and looking rested. First question they ask when they see us: "why'd you come so early?"

9:25 a.m.
Company Y arrives. Their team logo, if you remember, is a tank. They get down from their micro-bus chanting "BLOW 'EM UP! BLOW 'EM UP!" For that is their incredibly imaginative slogan. Cue Pintu eye-rolling. They finish their chanting by mimicking the sound of explosions with their mouths.

Of course this completely riles up our team, who get to their feet and do little war dances and chant KILL EM ALL ad nauseum. Then Company Y do their little war dances and chant BLOW EM UP. Then all I hear is the sound of grown men making explosion and tiger roaring noises and I'm convinced that this is the lowest point that this can get. Except it's not.

One of our colleagues, Belal, who's not in the team but REALLY into team spirit, disappears for a few minutes only to return wearing a TIGER COSTUME that consists of a totally yellow tracksuit with black stripes painted on. Then he starts waving his arms threateningly at Company Y who realize that they don't have anything more retarded to match so just kind of stop and focus on doing stretches and warm ups. Our team take this as an incredible sign of manly prowess, and start hauling Belal up in the air as their mascot and lucky charm.

10 a.m.
Long speeches by Big Bosses of both Company X (our company) and Y about friendly competition, corporate spirit, the future of the youth, sports as a means of bridging gaps. Everyone almost falls asleep. When it almost seems like it's time to play, it turns out there's a solid twenty minutes of words from our sponsors, awards ceremonies and polite but bored clapping.

10:30 a.m.
I sneak off for a cigarette.

10:45 a.m.
The game begins. Since I'm a sub, I sit on the benches and watch not very intently. I mean, what's there to report?

Quite a bit, as it turns out.

All will be revealed in PART II......